


Liquid Courage

by surprisepink



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, FE3H Kinkmeme, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M, Prompt Fic, Shotgun Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:20:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24822238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/surprisepink/pseuds/surprisepink
Summary: In retrospect, it was both the best and worst decision of their lives.orCaspar and Linhardt get wasted and decide to get married (no homo).
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez/Linhardt von Hevring
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65
Collections: FE3H Kink Meme





	Liquid Courage

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a [prompt](https://3houseskinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/1608.html?thread=1784136#cmt1784136) on the FE3H kink meme:
>
>> drunk caspar decides that getting married to his best bro lindhardt? best idea in the fucking world and convinces lindhardt somehow. they show up at claude's house, demanding to be married bc one time claude mentioned anyone on the council of the leicester alliance technically has the power to marry people.
>> 
>> claude is tired and wants to go back to sleep but mumbles something approximately marriage-legal and in the morning nobody's the wiser until claude gives the marriage certificate to them like a week later.
>> 
>> extremely unpicky about the other specifics (canon, au, w/e idgaf) aside from lindhardt deciding it's too much work to get divorced and caspar being like "oh nice one drunk me"

In retrospect, it was both the best and worst decision of their lives.

The night's finer points were lost on Linhardt, which was probably for the best. As it typically went each time he drank, a solid one, _maybe_ one and a half drinks got him to the point where he was quickly nodding off. At parties, this could be a problem -- Caspar had spent many a night out quite literally dragging him home to their shared apartment -- so nowadays he tried to avoid drinking in public entirely.

When they were already at home? It was just a normal Friday night. Fortunately, Caspar was a talkative drinker who cared not one whit about his roomate’s consciousness level.

So Linhardt had allowed himself to doze off, his head resting on Caspar's shoulder and his second glass of rum on the rocks still mostly untouched. Never mind the movie in front of them -- some cheesy horror that Caspar had kindly looked into ahead of time to make sure there wasn't any gore (just in case Linhardt woke up halfway through) and that the dog didn't die ("that makes it a _tragedy_ ," Capsar always insisted). Caspar's firm shoulders were surprisingly comfortable, and he provided a wonderful source of body heat that made Linhardt understand why the cats were always curling up on him.

Caspar usually managed to sit still enough when they were watching movies.. But that night Linhardt was awoken by him shifting around; if he'd been awake, he would have noticed Caspar pumping his fist. The rude awakening was accompanied by the sound of Potato's four little paws on the ground, running away from the sudden activity, and the sound of... wedding bells?

"Lin, Lin, are you awake?" Caspar nearly shouted, even less able to control his volume then when he was sober.

"I am _now_ ," Linhardt grumbled in response. "And I would prefer not to be, thank you very much."

"Noooo, you can't sleep now! It's too important!"

Nothing was more important than sleeping, and Caspar knew that well enough that he did _not_ need to be dignified with a response. Instead, Linhardt shifted his body to lie down on the other side of the couch. The arm was less comfortable of a place to rest his head, but it wasn't as though he hadn't used it as a pillow before. 

"Linhardt, I said it’s important! Don't you love me?" Caspar whined.

"'m asleep."

"You can't talk in your sleep! Or -- well, you can actually, but not like that!"

Between the blaring of the movie and of Caspar, Linhardt had indeed gone from half-asleep to about forty percent, but Caspar didn't need to know that.

"Listen -- okay, listen, this is important! Are you watching the movie? They're getting married!"

At this point it was beginning to seem that listening to Caspar until he got tired of yelling or just too hoarse would be the more effective route. He was Linhardt's best friend, now and forever, but by _God_ could he be an annoying drunk without Annette or Hilda to share his enthusiasm with.

"Oh, are they now? Fascinating," Linhardt mumbled from his place on the couch.

"So I was thinking, you know, it looked so pretty, and they were so happy? And in the speech the guy was like 'now we can be together forever' and the girl was like 'I'm so glad I got to marry my best friend' and that's just the _best_."

"It's a horror movie, Caspar."

"Yeah, they both got poisoned after I guess? But for a while it was great, and you know what, _I_ want to marry _my_ best friend and be together forever."

"Well then, congratulations to you and Ashe. I'm sure you'll be a vision in white, and I will begrudgingly spend a small fortune on a stand mixer for you two."

Caspar let out a strained sound that sounded halfway between a groan and a squeak. "Ashe isn't even here! I mean you!"

"Ugh," said Linhardt. He rubbed his eyes, forcing himself into a sitting position, "I'm also your best friend, aren't I?"

"We already live together, don't we? So obviously I wanna be together forever."

Despite his better judgement, Linhardt was inclined to think that Caspar's judgement wasn't as unsound as it was. He _had_ fully intended to spend the rest of their days together like this -- walking the cats and having one-sided discussions about whatever research topic caught Linhardt's fancy and going on vacations to whatever part of the country Caspar landed on when he threw a dart at a map -- or at least as long as it was feasible.

Still, the flaw in the plan was obvious.

"And what," Linhardt replied flatly, "Are you going to do when you find someone you actually want to marry for the traditional reasons? You know, the love reasons."

"But I love _you_ , Lin!"

Linhardt could only roll his eyes at that.

"Anyway, aren't there, like, tax benefits?"

...well, he hadn't really looked into it, but Linhardt was pretty sure that was true.

"And Claude is a priest!"

"Claude is most certainly not a priest, he is a politician."

"A politician who can marry people! He told me himself," Caspar replied in a triumphant tone.

Linhardt leaned in, his face almost uncomfortably close to Caspar's. Had he been more aware, he might have noticed the pink tone his cheeks took on, the way he closed his eyes as if he expected something was about to happen. Instead, Linhardt tapped Caspar on the nose, eliciting a frown. "Fine. But if we get married, you have to promise to take care of the litter boxes. _Forever._ "

"Seriously? Forever?"

"Mm-hm."

"Worth it!" Caspar replied, then left a barely-there peck on Linhardt's nose. "Okay, let's go."

 _Now?_ Linhardt almost said.

Of course Caspar meant now.

The two blocks between their apartment and Claude's home took three times as long to traverse as they would under normal circumstances. Linhardt, though he was more or less awake, moved at a slow shuffle, for once glad that Caspar's little chihuahua legs slowed him down a bit.

For his part, Caspar tripped over a trash can and yelled at it to apologize.

As one does.

But eventually they made it to their destination. Caspar promptly began to pound on the door, wait a moment or two, and then begin anew. Ten minutes later, he narrowly managed to avoid falling forward as it swung open.

"You heard me knocking!" Caspar said with a broad smile.

Claude, an absolute vision in dragon-print boxers and an oversized t-shirt from a charity 5k, seemed less impressed. "Linhardt texted me," he yawned. "Said you wanted to get this over with so we could all go back to bed. Congratulations on consummating your love I suppose."

"Thanks!"

"Why at three in the morning, exactly?"

"It's _important_."

"You know most people put some level of effort into this _because_ they think it's important, right?"

"We couldn't wait another moment for the tax benefits," Linhardt replied, deadpan.

Claude offered them a halfhearted shrug. "Anyway. I have like, half of this memorised? Uh, do you agree that you're willing to enter this covenant of marriage and share your joys and sorrows, et cetera, et cetera? Caspar, will you marry Linhart and love him faithfully as long as you both shall live? And vice versa?"

"I do!!" Caspar yelled, punching the air and probably waking the neighbors.

"I do," Linhardt said, wondering if marriage meant he could convince Caspar to load the dishwasher for once in his life.

"Great. Do you guys have rings?"

"Shit! I knew there was something else! Is the jewelry store open?"

"The jewelry store is not open," said Linhardt.

Claude waved his hand in dismissal. "It's not important, and I don't remember that part anyway. Something with rainbows? Let's see... Caspar and Linhart, you're married with the blessing of-- well, not the church, but the blessing of my house. Be merciful, be kind, accept life, forgive each other, be members of one body. That's it. Do the communion thing at home if you want, you're not allowed in."

"He's had enough alcohol."

"Great. You guys owe me dinner sometime," Claude said with another yawn. "You good now? Great, goodnight."

"Hear that, Caspar?" Linhardt said, turning to look at his new husband for the first time. 

"This is _awesome_!" he said, which wasn't really a response, but Linhardt supposed it would suffice. "I can't believe we're married! I barely believe you agreed to it."

"Yes, well. I'll make sure everything is accurate when I do our taxes."

Caspar unexpectedly pulled him into a bear hug, and though his breath reeked of liquor, Linhardt had to admit it wasn't entirely unpleasant. Since they were small, he'd always been a skilled hugger. "Thanks so much for agreeing -- I love you so much bro, I'm gonna make you so happy!"

A few weeks later, a high-pitched squeak left Caspar's mouth as he opened a particular piece of mail.

"A marriage certificate?!"

"Did you already forget?" Linhardt called from the living room. "I'm quite distraught, Caspar, you promised to make me happy."

There was an extended pause, and Linhardt could imagine the gears in his head slowly turning. "I did, huh?"

"It was your idea in the first place. How many drinks do you think it took you to make this particularly egregious life decision?"

Caspar's eyes drifted over to the bottle of rum that sat in their liquor-and-tea cabinet, about half empty. "I had it with Coke... that helps you stay sober, right?"

"It just makes you do stupid things with more energy, I think."

"What do you mean _stupid_?"

"Getting divorced is too much of a pain, so now you're stuck with me. And with litterbox duties."

Linhart took a sip of tea as he listened to Caspar walk over, his quick footsteps once again spooking Potato from her place on the couch next to him. He was good at that.

Then he found himself being kissed once again, this time on the cheek.

"Best idea of my life!" Caspar replied with a grin.

Not for the first or last time, Linhardt rolled his eyes at his antics, but it was accompanied by a fond smile.

Eventually, they figured out there were even more fun ways to kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> You can reach me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/seraphknights)!


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